Its strange but I’m yet to connect the pictures of a very real baby inside me with being a mum. Does that make sense? Its a bit of an out of body experience where I know I’m pregnant but havent yet worked out that this means there will be a baby in 6 months. Awkward.
I really wish I was one of those women who loved being pregnant. There is sort of this unwritten female code that says that we are designed to do this and should glow and be all maternal and delightful and feminine and lovely during this journey. The reality is – it kinda sucks. I feel left out of my life, I feel sick, I’ve lost control of my body (and my bladder) and in general the whole thing is a bit weird.
Maybe that will change.
Maybe I just need to toughen up.
Maybe everyone else is full of shit.
Maybe I’ll glow tomorrow.
I’ve looked at the photo from my 12 week scan about 100 times. I think its a boy. Long legged like his mum. Strong like his dad.
I keep having freak outs about work. I know he doesn’t mean it but D has started to keep me out of things. I know its all part of him trying to teach the control freak in me to step back and get my head ready for this motherhood thing but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve always been my job. Its more than a job to me. Its a way of life and who I am. I’m sure over the coming months, this journal will be full of fears and struggles as I need to balance both parts of my new life. For now, I need to learn how to slowly step back. Slowly being the operative word for me. Stepping back being the operative words for everyone else.
I’m going to try to write more often. It helps. I think.