please don’t redefine me

Passionate. Career driven. Successful. Intelligent. Hardworking. Dedicated.

These are just a few of the words that I would use to describe myself. It may have taken me 30 years but I finally feel like I know myself pretty well.

I know what I am good at. I know how I thrive. I know who I am.

As I embark further into this journey, I am frustrated beyond belief that people are trying to change my definition.  Unrequested, uninvited. People are trying to redefine who I am now that I am pregnant.

Since when does my ability to procreate impact my ability to do those things that I have managed to do successfully for many years now.

Does adding “mum” to my definition render the other words now useless?

Call me a dreamer but I want it all. I want to balance my new role of mum with the roles that I currently play in society. I am under no illusions that my life is going to change dramatically when I become a mother. I know that my priorities will change and my focus will shift. I have no issue with that. The issue I have is the assumption that one must replace the other.  That mother is the new definition of who I am and all those other words will describe who I used to be.

So many people have asked me questions about what I plan to do with my work when baby comes. Take some time off of course is my response. Take time to readjust my life to the new role I am taking on.

Then, when the time is right, come back and tackle the working world as the same person I was before I had my son. The only difference being, I’ve pushed a watermelon out of my vagina. I wont be any less capable. I wont be any less driven. I wont be any LESS full stop. I will just be a mother as well.

The same passionate, intelligent, hardworking woman I am now, just with some stretch marks and no doubt some wobbly bits.

I am sick and tired of being told that the primary things that make up who I am will change. They might. I know that. This baby might turn me into someone I don’t recognize. Someone I haven’t been in my 30 years. But the point is this. If the fundamentals of who I am change, it will be because I want them to, not because society tells me they have to.

I’ve suddenly become painfully aware of a set of societal rules that I didn’t know existed until I began to show my bump. Apparently I must step quietly away from those nasty non-maternal defining words like “career driven” and “intelligent” and spend some time with more appropriate definitions such as “mothers group attendee” (no offence intended to those who love a good mothers group) and “play dater”. Those words don’t fit me very well. And I think I know myself well enough to know that they probably never will.

So my request to the world is this…. Please don’t redefine me. Please don’t tell me I cant be the same person then as I am now. Please don’t tell me that the role of mother must replace my current definition.

Will it be added to my list? Most definitely. And I will embrace it. Just like I do those other words. But my uterus does not define me and my being a mother will not change the fundamentals of who I am.

Even if you tell me it has to.

Rant over.

Xx A

8 thoughts on “please don’t redefine me

  1. I love what’s behind your glow. You remind me of myself, a bit punk rock about the whole motherhood caper if you know what I mean
    😉 Just go with the flow and ignore the play-daters. I did.

  2. I totally let people redefine me and I fell for their crap. That was 10 years ago when I had my first baby. Now what do I say to them? The very same thing you are? I just started working out a lot and have completely changed my lifestyle (for the better) and people asked how I am going to do THAT and balance my family life. Ummmmmmmm…. I was confused and I still don’t even know how to answer that question. People kill me. And I have learned after 31 years of life to just ignore. I’m the ultimate filterer. The only person who can redefine you is YOU. Love this post!

  3. Hey Abs you wont be the same person you were before having your peanut. You will be an even more defined individual, more dedicated, more passionate..still intelligent, hard working and career driven BUT you’ll want it even more!!! Having had to juggle a new life as well as your own will hone even more skills. Perhaps some of these women that appear to be redefining you simply didn’t have the drive and ambition to make it back to the career they once had or dreamt of having.

    You’ve never been one to be earmarked or stereotyped and I don’t see you starting anytime soon. Forget the negatives and put a positive spin on these remarks…yes some of the core drivers in you will make a slight change but they’ll never disappear because they are the basis of Abbey!!! xx

  4. I only recently started following your blog but this post is amazing! As a 30-year-old “career driven” “ambitious” and “intelligent” woman just starting to try to conceive, I am amazed by how many people are shocked by my childless age…or inform me that others have already “got the jump on me” by having kids when they were younger. If it truly was a race, I am more than happy to point out that maybe I got the jump on *them* by working my ass off and having fun in my 20s – snap! No offense to those who had kids young, but I’m interested to follow your journey since I think we’re on the same page. 😉

    • Get ready for a journey! People will tell you so many uninvited things along the way. Stay true to who you are and good luck trying to conceive! Keep me posted. Hopefully a glow of your own is just around the corner. X

  5. Pingback: Everybody is a F-ing Genius | A Green(ish) Life

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