hi ho, hi ho…..

I spent the day in the office today. Not yet officially back from maternity leave, I went in to lend a hand to the very busy team and to make use of one the “keeping in touch” days I’m allowed during my maternity leave period.

It was nice….

It was nice to dress up and put on heels (unnecessary, but nice nonetheless).

It was nice to use my brain and once again connect to an industry that I love so much.

It was nice to feel needed by the team and to feel that I still have worth within my workplace.

So why do I feel guilty?

My son was at home spending the day with his Grandma who no doubt spoilt him with endless hugs and kisses. He probably had no idea I wasn’t even there. All he knows at this young age is hunger and love and both of those would have been taken care of in abundance. Yet I cant seem to shake that feeling in my stomach that being there makes me less of a mum.

Is it wrong, that only 7 weeks in, I’m ready for stimulation outside of my motherly bubble?

Society is making me feel like it is. I have found myself explaining my choices to complete strangers. Not only about today’s little workplace stint but also about my plans to return to the workforce part-time in August. “That’s not long off from work” people quip, “gosh, are you sure you’ll be ready?” numerous people ask. The truth of the matter is, financially we don’t have a choice. But even if we did, I’d be going back.

It will be with the needs of my son in the forefront of my mind and of course, things will need to adapt, but with or without the financial burden that forces my hand, I’m ready, even now, to get back into the workforce.

Intentional or not, many people have made me feel guilty. Made me question my decisions and my desire to return to work.

Too soon?

According to many, apparently so.judging copy

According to many, a new mum should be home (apparently for a year). For many, being out of the workforce is a relief and something to be relished. For many, the fact that I am going back to work sooner than most, makes me less of a mum. It’s a judgment that although I am sure is not intentional, has been felt.

Maybe it’s my interpretation, maybe it’s my over sensitivity, maybe it’s just how they feel.

I was never going to be the all-baking, crochet knitting, P&C mum. I love that other women  fill those roles; it’s just not me. I’m the mum that will juggle a meeting to make it to school assembly and a schedule a gig around his soccer game. I’m the mum who may have go to work some days but will spend others in PJ’s watching cartoons. I’m the mum who wants it all and isn’t afraid to try for it.

But he will always come first. He will always be my priority, but I can have my work too.

It doesn’t make me less of a mum.

Does it?

Xx A

my anti blog

I found my “anti blog” the other day. A blog by a woman whose journey could not be more different to mine.

Talk about polar opposites. This lady was the adversary to all of my ramblings. Her stories told how “at one with the earth” she is during her pregnancy and how her soul now felt complete thanks to the miracle of life growing inside of her.  

She was 8 weeks pregnant.

Call me cynical. Call me skeptical. Call me jealous. But I don’t get it.

In a way, I wish I did. I wish that I had the intimate and soulful connection to pregnancy that this woman obviously enjoys.

Don’t get me wrong. I am already enamored with the little dude growing inside me and can’t wait to meet him face to face. But I don’t think that my soul feels any more fulfilled now than it did 18 weeks ago. It feels fatter. Or maybe that’s my thighs?

It just goes to show how different every woman’s experience is on this crazy journey to motherhood. Some see rainbows and spirituality and soulful fulfillment. Others see the bottom of a toilet bowl and an endless supply of muffins. Not hard to figure out which end of the spectrum my experience lies.

Her blog has actually played on my mind a little. Made me feel a little guilty perhaps? Am I less of a “mother” because I don’t feel that same connection that she is already feeling? Does it make me less of a woman or less deserving of this little guy that has chosen us to be his family?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I guess for me, that’s why im writing about my journey. Not just to capture this time in black and white words so I can one day see what I have learnt but to explore how different this journey can be for different women.

So, I’m going to keep reading her blog. Not to judge her or to compare myself to her, but to open my eyes to her journey as well as my own. Maybe her story will give me some insights into how the other half breed. Maybe her story will teach me to see this as something more spiritual. Or maybe it will just make me reach for that muffin and settle in for a chuckle.

Xx A